This story begins 50 years ago when I first met my inspiration but didn't know it at the time. She was fun, carefree, relaxed, friendly and loved the world. Her laugh and smile was infectious, she loved the stars, the moon and all things out of this world. And then we lost touch. I didn't see it coming, I got so caught up in life that I forgot about this peace loving carefree woman. I didn't even notice how much to this day she inspired me. I lost a lot when I lost touch with this beautiful woman. This is the story of how she turned my Desperation into Inspiration.
Once upon a time there was a woman, day in day out she went about her daily life. She liked her life, she was a healer, a seer of the unseen. She guided others to find and believe in themselves everyday.
But what about herself, what did she see, her hands as she washed the dishes, her feet as she slipped into her shoes, her rounded belly as she pulled up her jeans. She noticed the feelings in others and recognised they were a reflection of her own. The quiet smiles and nods in the seemingly rushed hello's as they pass by. The forced smiles that say every-things fine when it's not, the pleasant exchanges of small talk when all they want to do is scream out. She couldn't help but wonder if others could see beyond her mask too.
She knew she was getting older noticing tousled hair with its greying roots, a frowning forehead, she noticed a deep crevice between the eyes and instantly tried to rub it away, she wondered how long it had been like that. In spite of herself she smiled and noticed the crooked teeth and shrugged, they didn't bother her. She remembered her brace face and not wearing her retainer telling her kids "this is what happens when you don't wear your retainer".
As the memory faded, she continued exploring, she noticed laugh lines around the eyes and mouth when did all this happen? She tried to think but life had been busy, kids, career, house. She laughed out loud what a ride then suddenly stopped. She saw something, her smile disappeared, an overwhelming sadness drove through her body, how many times had she seen and felt this, she leaned in closer to look a little deeper and there it was, her eyes started to well as tears began to fall across her cheeks. She stepped back in shock, how long had she been like this? She looked away trying to remember when the last time was that she had really looked at her. When was the last time she had seen her truly happy?
She looked deeper avoiding the space that held the truth, was she ready to face it? Was she ready to re-connect to her story? She wiped the tears so she could get a better look, it was still there, something that was crying out to be healed. She took a deep breath and decided it was time, time to create space and to help her find happiness, it was time for her to honour the woman she looked upon. It was time for her to heal.
She looked straight on and the sadness looked straight back. How had she left her when she needed someone, how could she have not noticed the masks knowing what damage it would do. How could she leave her to suffer so deeply? She took another breath only this time with more awareness, she felt the air enter her lungs and tried to think back to the last time she had done that. She exhaled pushing everything out, she was ready, she was not going to ever leave her like this again. She looked at her tear smeared face and went directly to the source of the pain, she was determined she was going to help her heal. Her eyes met with her reflection she looked deeper into the watery blueness and allowed her to grieve.
The deeper she looked the more she saw.
Her life flashed in front of her, the years of childhood, the years of rebellion, the years of motherhood and the years that had accumulated before today. It overwhelmed her.
Where had she been, what had she been doing all this time. She shook herself out of it.
She couldn't stand to look anymore. She walked away.
As her day continued thoughts of the woman haunted her, she couldn't help but see the reflective sadness in her mind. Who was that woman? Why did she look so sad? What was she running away from? She couldn't help but get more curious and wondered what she wanted.
Who was she really? where did her life go, did she have plans, where was she going, what was she Aiming For?
The day turned to night, the night turned to day and she was there again staring back at the woman, the same sad eyes, the same questioning look, who are you? What do you want out of this life, your life? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
She looked away again, but even when she looked away this time, she could not get rid of the emotions swirling through her body. She began to pace, sadness, grief, anxiety, overwhelm flooding through her veins. What the fuck was going on. She felt like she was dying, drowning in her own tears, her heart racing, thoughts and memories moving through her mind. She fell, hysterically sobbing banging her fists onto the wooden floorboards. Yelling and screaming what do you want, what do you want from me? She crawled back into bed sleep being her only savior.
Then day turned to night, night turned to day. She awoke heavy and sadder than she ever knew was possible. She walked around the house blank and dormant wondering who she was, what did she want, where was she going, what was she aiming for?
She was lost, sleep was her only savior. Day turned to night; night turned to day. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to years.
As she stepped out of bed onto the same wooden floors that soaked up her tears and held her when she fell with the same heaviness and loneliness in her heart, she couldn't help but remember the woman whose eyes held so much sadness. The one she walked away from every day, the one that never smiled back anymore. The same one that she was once curious to know more about and guide to her road less traveled. She knew how to get there, she had taken many on this journey. Why couldn’t she find this one?
She walked into the kitchen deep in thought the sun shining the blossoms blooming, another day that she knew would turn to night another night she knew would turn to day and she took a deep breath. It was time. She felt her heart racing, there was no more sadness or grief, there was no more tears. She was done. She jumped, screamed flashed her titties to the sun-clad trees and ran into the bedroom opening the blinds, making her bed and got ready to revisit the woman whose sadness had changed her life. She fixed her hair, pulled her jeans over her rounded belly and put on her favourite t-shirt.
She looked at the floor where she had once laid full of despair and sadness and leant down to gently touch it. She smiled; she was ready.
She turned, the reflection was right there, it had been there every day but this time she smiled, tears of happiness rolling down her face and said it's going to be ok, I'm here for you and we can get through this together.
And every day since that time when she looks in the mirror her first words are always
YOU INSPIRE ME!